An Apathetic Pancake

An Apathetic Pancake

It seeps into you like

   syrup into pancakes;

A little drop soon reaches all the way through

   to the plate.

At first you don’t notice the flavor         

   you add more

      until finally

all you can taste is

   Syrup.

The overpowering flavor soon destroys

   the entire pancake

and you know not how to begin again.

Slimy fingers stick to the scummy fork

   and you find yourself stuck

      in a realm of

Saturated Pancakes

   and lost flavor.

The deliciousness that was once there

   evaporates

you attempt to regain it

   frantically gulping down orange juice

      as even the acidic

has been tainted by the serum.

At this point, there is nothing to do,

   but wait for it to run its course.

Hoping that the syrup in your veins will

   disappear

and that the emptiness will be full again.

You keep trying to fill it with something else,

   something to distract you,

      make you taste again,

but you’re stuck with the thick syrup.

As time goes by it worries you

   as even the most heartfelt sweetness cannot

      penetrate

the maple layer coating your heart still.

The numbness amazes you,

   as you know what you should be feeling,

but you are in a coma of

   sticky syrup

      and saturated pancakes.

You cling onto whatever momentary fulfillment comes your way

   as the pancake clings to the plate,

happy that you can taste something -

   anything at all;

you bring the fork to your mouth,

   and continue to eat-

      all you’ve ever known how to. 

'MERICA - Fuck Yea!!!

As all of you know I made a long time traveling jump back to the States last week, and let me tell ya, it’s been an ADJUSTMENT. From having to take my shoes off at the airport, to attempting to order all my food at restaurants in Spanish, it has been a hilarious adventure that has only just begun. 

Before I make a list of all of the things that I’ve had to “adjust” to, I must tell an embarrassingly funny story that happened to me on my 3^rd day back. 

When you ARE American...

I was walking around the plaza with my friend Catherine after a great meditation session at the Nelson Atkins Museum at the Guanyin Statue in the Asian Exhibit, when all of a sudden I heard this panting behind me. I thought this poor little dog was going to strangle himself trying to walk faster than his leash would let him. I turn around and LUCKILY- LUCKILY Catherine was the first to speak, because I had all this Spanish ready to jump off of my tongue and attack the good people of the Plaza. She said something along the lines of “aww, what a cute little guy” and I was in utter shock, attempting to come up with some excuse as to why she wasn’t speaking Spanish to the dog’s owners, like “I’m sorry my friend is visiting from the US” or “She is just saying your dog is cute.” And THEN, a miracle happened. THEY UNDERSTOOD HER AND RESPONDED IN ENGLISH! WHAAAT!!!! Omg, reset brain, do five backflips, I forgot that people I don’t know speak English and that when you are walking around in public - this particular public - speaks, understands and prefers the English tongue. It took me a few minutes to muster up a crappy sentence in English, because apparently I forgot how to speak it while I was gone. When I told Catherine why I had been so awkward, we laughed so hard our abs hurt. 

Oh Dorothy, if only you knew, if only you knew...

The sad thing is, I have only been back for a week, and I have lots of stories like this!

Oh Spanish-i-fied English - I love you.

Adjustments that make me SAD inside (in no particular order):

Tear 1.                 

Hostess no longer makes angel food cakes with the pink frosting. Sheridan’s no longer has Mount Rushmore Concretes. But BK has a disgusting Bacon Shake!??! What has this world come to!?

Tear 2.                 

People have their own lives to live - like during the daytime. Why aren’t they on vacation like me?!?!

Tear 3.                 

The waiters and waitress’ at restaurants are at your table annoyingly often. Let me eat in PEACE and stop INTERRUPTING my conversation with my grandparents!!!

Tear 4.                 

All my cousins have jobs, and are not readily available to entertain me. 

Tear 5.                 

Fruity Pebbles has lost all enjoyment for me.

Tear 6.                 

I have returned to speaking a strange version of English, called the MIDWESTERN! Well, almost, apparently, saying things in the wrong grammatical order is not proper Midwestern English. 

Tear 7.                 

I am having FRUTERIA withdrawals!!!!!!

Tear 8.                 

Unknown people in the public realm do not understand you - when you speak SPANISH. 

Tear 9.                 

I have rediscovered the delicious fried chicken my father makes. YUMMY!

Tear 10.               

You cannot just put your ones in your coin purse to use for pool, they will add up and are in dollar bill form, and you will look like a STRIPPER! (Which would explain my lack of day job- Damn it!)

Tear 11.               

I am having METRO and WALKING withdrawals and have recently taken up running to make up for it. 

Tear 12.               

The United States promotes drunk driving. Why don’t you have nightly drunken transportation for all? It was so glorious, and now I’m stuck drinking ice water.

Tear 14.               

Friday the 13^th is back, which means I now have TWICE as many opportunities for bad luck, since there are many Tuesday the 13^ths AND Friday the 13^ths to look out for. *Face palm*

Tear 14.               

My clothes don’t match these strange earthlings called Americans; they look at me funny. *sob*  

Tear 15.               

Last but not least, I miss all my Madrid friends and co-workers!!! (and especially you Mr. Hot Stuff Guillaume *WINK*)

Adjustments that make me HAPPY inside:

Joy 1.                    

I GET TO SEE ALL MY FAMILY and FRIENDS - like IN PERSON!!!     

Joy 2.                    

There is this thing called a CAR, it takes you WHEREVER you want to go, and I OWN one!

Joy 3.                    

Sleeping in. 

Joy 4.                    

The QuikTrip chapter was closed last year, but I can now officially not go back and am off of their roster!!!!!!!!

Joy 5.                    

Foooooood. 

Joy 6.                    

Late night walks and talks with fabulous friends. 

Joy 7.                    

Looking at wedding flowers with my best friend KATRINA for her wedding! And planning her bachelorette party! WIN! WIN! WIN!

Joy 8.                    

Missouri is soo fucking beautiful, so many trees - I lived in a FOREST and didn’t KNOW IT!

Joy 9.                    

Gas is cheaper, Food is cheaper; EVERYTHING is CHEAPER!

Joy 10.                 

People know how to drive.

Joy 11.                 

There is this weird thing called service in restaurants, and an even stranger amazing thing called a tip. Spoiler Alert: they have to work for their tip by giving you free refills and being readily available to be your food servant! Muahahahaaaa!

Joy 12.                 

ROADTRIPs.

Joy 13.                 

Weekends at the LAKE.

Joy 14.                 

Air conditioning: although it makes me sick and I refuse to use it in my car, it does make it easier to curl up under blankets and sleep at night. 

Joy 15.                 

Did I mention I get to see all my beautiful friends and family!?!?! 

OH and FOURTH OF JULY IS COMING!!!!

The bottom line is better expressed in photos:

Malfunctioning Heartstrings (June-a-Thon)

Malfunctioning Heartstrings 

The heart begins to tug, pull and twist,

as if trying to set itself free - by binding itself to another,

but I’m tired of her weary attempts to change, affect and twist my life around,

she will soon dwindle and fade into nothingness,

as passion always does,

leaving me

to pick up the broken pieces of my life.

I declare here and henceforth to tame the wild beastette,

to reason with her,

remind her of the calm and tranquil happiness we once had - not long ago.

She refuses to listen, an un-chainable girl,

knowing all too well what is “best” for her,

ignoring all requests, advice and reasoning I give,

jumping wild and free into a lake of emotional instability,

as if she herself is addicted to the chemical imbalance of the soul.

Treachery lurks beneath the surface,

unhappiness she is incapable of foreseeing,

and I shall continue to protect her,

against her own will,

locked away in the vault of my emotions.

Or like a child locked away in a sanitized play room,

am I crippling her ability to feel anything at all,

wounding her into reasonable happiness,

and submissive apathy?