As all of you know I
made a long time traveling jump back to the States last week, and let me tell
ya, it’s been an ADJUSTMENT. From having to take my shoes off at the airport,
to attempting to order all my food at restaurants in Spanish, it has been a
hilarious adventure that has only just begun.
Before I make a list
of all of the things that I’ve had to “adjust” to, I must tell an
embarrassingly funny story that happened to me on my 3rd day back.
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| When you ARE American... |
I was walking around
the plaza with my friend Catherine after a great meditation session at the
Nelson Atkins Museum at the Guanyin Statue in the Asian Exhibit, when all of a
sudden I heard this panting behind me. I thought this poor little dog was going
to strangle himself trying to walk faster than his leash would let him. I turn
around and LUCKILY- LUCKILY Catherine was the first to speak, because I had all
this Spanish ready to jump off of my tongue and attack the good people of the
Plaza. She said something along the lines of “aww, what a cute little guy” and
I was in utter shock, attempting to come up with some excuse as to why she wasn’t
speaking Spanish to the dog’s owners, like “I’m sorry my friend is visiting
from the US” or “She is just saying your dog is cute.” And THEN, a miracle
happened. THEY UNDERSTOOD HER AND RESPONDED IN ENGLISH! WHAAAT!!!! Omg, reset
brain, do five backflips, I forgot that people I don’t know speak English and
that when you are walking around in public - this particular public - speaks,
understands and prefers the English tongue. It took me a few minutes to muster
up a crappy sentence in English, because apparently I forgot how to speak it
while I was gone. When I told Catherine why I had been so awkward, we laughed
so hard our abs hurt.
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| Oh Dorothy, if only you knew, if only you knew... |
The sad thing is, I
have only been back for a week, and I have lots of stories like this!
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| Oh Spanish-i-fied English - I love you. |
Adjustments that make
me SAD inside (in no particular order):
Tear 1.
Hostess no longer
makes angel food cakes with the pink frosting. Sheridan’s no longer has Mount
Rushmore Concretes. But BK has a disgusting Bacon Shake!??! What has this world
come to!?
Tear 2.
People have their own
lives to live - like during the daytime. Why aren’t they on vacation like me?!?!
Tear 3.
The waiters and
waitress’ at restaurants are at your table annoyingly often. Let me eat in PEACE
and stop INTERRUPTING my conversation with my grandparents!!!
Tear 4.
All my cousins have
jobs, and are not readily available to entertain me.
Tear 5.
Fruity Pebbles has
lost all enjoyment for me.
Tear 6.
I have returned to
speaking a strange version of English, called the MIDWESTERN! Well, almost,
apparently, saying things in the wrong grammatical order is not proper Midwestern English.
Tear 7.
I am having FRUTERIA withdrawals!!!!!!
Tear 8.
Unknown people in the
public realm do not understand you - when you speak SPANISH.
Tear 9.
I have rediscovered
the delicious fried chicken my father makes. YUMMY!
Tear 10.
You cannot just put
your ones in your coin purse to use for pool, they will add up and are in
dollar bill form, and you will look like a STRIPPER! (Which would explain my
lack of day job- Damn it!)
Tear 11.
I am having METRO and
WALKING withdrawals and have recently taken up running to make up for it.
Tear 12.
The United States
promotes drunk driving. Why don’t you have nightly drunken transportation for
all? It was so glorious, and now I’m stuck drinking ice water.
Tear 14.
Friday the 13th
is back, which means I now have TWICE as many opportunities
for bad luck, since there are many Tuesday the 13ths AND Friday the
13ths to look out for. *Face palm*
Tear 14.
My clothes don’t match
these strange earthlings called Americans; they look at me funny. *sob*
Tear 15.
Last but not least, I
miss all my Madrid friends and co-workers!!! (and especially you Mr. Hot Stuff Guillaume *WINK*)
Adjustments that make
me HAPPY inside:
Joy 1.
I GET TO SEE ALL MY
FAMILY and FRIENDS - like IN PERSON!!!
Joy 2.
There is this thing
called a CAR, it takes you WHEREVER you want to go, and I OWN one!
Joy 3.
Sleeping in.
Joy 4.
The QuikTrip chapter
was closed last year, but I can now officially not go back and am off of their
roster!!!!!!!!
Joy 5.
Foooooood.
Joy 6.
Late night walks and
talks with fabulous friends.
Joy 7.
Looking at wedding
flowers with my best friend KATRINA for her wedding! And planning her bachelorette party! WIN! WIN!
WIN!
Joy 8.
Missouri is soo
fucking beautiful, so many trees - I lived in a FOREST and didn’t KNOW IT!
Joy 9.
Gas is cheaper, Food is
cheaper; EVERYTHING is CHEAPER!
Joy 10.
People know how to
drive.
Joy 11.
There is this weird
thing called service in restaurants, and an even stranger amazing thing called
a tip. Spoiler Alert: they have to work for their tip by giving you free
refills and being readily available to be your food servant! Muahahahaaaa!
Joy 12.
ROADTRIPs.
Joy 13.
Weekends at the LAKE.
Joy 14.
Air conditioning: although
it makes me sick and I refuse to use it in my car, it does make it easier to
curl up under blankets and sleep at night.
Joy 15.
Did I mention I get to
see all my beautiful friends and family!?!?!
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| OH and FOURTH OF JULY IS COMING!!!! |
The bottom line is better expressed in photos:
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